Why We Don’t Suck, And How All Of Us Need To Stop Being Such Partisan Little Bitches
By Dr. Denis Leary
Three Rivers Press; paperback, $16.00
In an America that has become a political battleground, it is time for someone to take a bipartisan look at the topics we all hold dear to our patriotic hearts, including family, freedom, and the endless search for fame and diet vodka.
The man to take on this this task is esteemed Dr. Denis Leary, who is on a mission to #MakeAmericaLaughAgain in his the book, Why We Don’t Suck, now available in paperback, with a new afterword from the doctor.
Denis looks at some hot-button questions, like: When will Hillary blame herself for 2016? Why does Beyonce think he’s Bryan Adams? And why doesn’t Denis follow the lead of millennials and post pictures of his food on social media? (spoiler alert: he is too busy actually eating it.)
Actually, Leary has nothing against millennials, as he writes, “When it comes to science, math, and technological advances, this generation has done more in three and a half decades than any other group in history. What did my generation do? Cocaine and quaaludes mostly. With a side of really stupid haircuts.”
Dr. Leary aims to remind everyone why America is truly great, even though we’re #7 on the most recent list of Best Countries To Live In. It might sound bad, but we’re still in the playoffs.
Some of the chapters Dr. Leary writes to make his case include:
Oh Say Can You Scream: The press isn’t the enemy of the American people. The real enemy of the American people is butter. Too many of us have turned into chubby fast food junkies who can’t take a damn joke. The president is guilty on both counts. And for those Hillary supporters wondering What Happened (as she titled her book), Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania happened. Plus, a server wiped so clean it might as well have been a free ad for BleachBit. How much do bridal-party yoga pants cost? Three damn states.
Four Score And 7 Seconds Ago: What would Abraham Lincoln have said back in 1865 if he shared President Trump’s unbridled urge to attack and owned a Twitter account?
Dr. Leary makes this comparison of Trump to Lincoln, “His Twitter feed is full of such unchecked English, along with reams of humblebrags and arrogrant blame placement. Can you imagine if past world leaders had access to that kind of technology? I did. When Trump visited the site of Lincoln’s hallowed Gettysburg Address on a campaign stop, I listened to his speech and couldn’t stop laughing.
“In the midst of a terrifying civil war rooted in the battle to abolish slavery, Lincoln spoke of ‘a new nation, conceived in Liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.’ Trump’s speech on the same sacred site was rightly nicknamed the Grievanceburg Address as he threatened civil lawsuits toward eleven women who had accused him of sexual assault.
“Lincoln’s speech lasted two minutes.
“Trump’s? Forty-one minutes and fifty-two seconds. After which he tweeted six times.”
Leary wonders what what many iconic historical figures, including Thomas Jefferson, Eleanor Roosevelt, Adolf Hitler, Betty Ford, would have done with Twitter, and it turns out they had plenty to say.
Here are some of the tweets Dr. Leary imagines we would have witnessed and what these figures’ Twitter handles would have been.
“Dolley Madison @4thFLOTUS: James thinks it would be okay to sell my cakes and pies on the side. How about reading the Constitution, dipshit?”
“Abraham Lincoln @HonestPOTUS: Failing @GettysburgGazette forgot to publish last 2/3 of my address to troops, plus song parody. Hacks!”
And “Let me get this straight: I freed the slaves but I can’t get out of going to the theater? #KillMe #GonnahitTheStovePipe”
“Ulysses S. Grant @FuturePOTUS: Dear @robertelee: terms of surrender include changing your name to Lou Zer & sucking our dix. Sie? #BringBourbon.”
America’s Got Leaders! A new reality TV series that replaces our endless and ridiculously expensive election cycle with twenty-two episodes full of greedy, needy, backstabbing entertainment. Cheape than debates – literally and figuratively. Watch potential candidates squirm live each week fumbling through appointed missions, then vote for a winner by text without every having to leave your sofa. President Winfrey? Vice President Kid Rock? Stranger things have already happened.
Red, White, and True: Denis discusses heroic actions performed by friends and family members who have at least one thing in common: helping their fellow citizens in times of trouble. No matter what political party they support.
Dr. Leary writes of the last election and the current political moment, “And no matter how many misspelled tweets and blabbermouth declarations he makes, there was no voter fraud or Yugest Inauguration Crowd Ever Seen.
“And Trump won’t be impeached for election ambiguities or for damaging the ozone with a massive carbon footprint comprised mostly of hair spray. It’s very simple math: the House of Representatives can’t agree on a catered lunch, never mind removing the president.
“Democrats moan, Republicans groan. Hillary speaks, the president tweets. Leaving people like me to ask the really important questions, like: Whatever happened to covfefe-flavored covfefe?
“American politics has always been a clown show, but our latest presidential circus finished as a fifty-fifty proposition that left this country divided right down the middle. Trump’s hyperpatriotic motto “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!” resonated with one half of the population. The rest bought into the ultrabland “HILLARY FOR AMERICA!” They both promised to bring back manufacturing jobs.
“Which will all be done with robots within the next seven years. And this clowniest of all clown shows ended up with no clowning at all. Funny friends I love from both sides of the aisle have lost their minds and all attempts at humor as they rage-tweet against Republicans or tweet-brag at the Democrats in a non-stop series of social media insult bombs. Hillary and Trump are both infected by the unfunny flu. Now they’re coming to get the rest of us. But not on my fucking watch.”
There is all this needed analysis on how great America is, with a look at America’s obsession with fame and the Top Ten Celebrities Denis Leary Is Most Often Mistaken For.